I Can't

I Can't

I can't
I've tried to
Forgive the past, pain, guilt
She said, "You need to give yourself permission".
I can't
I've tried to
Give myself permission
The past lingers, like ghosts, swirling, haunting
The pain hurts, like yesterday, curdling my thoughts
The guilt drives me to self destruction

I can't
I've tried to
Balance, live, make peace
They say, "You can't love others if you don't love yourself"
I can't
I've tried to
Love myself
Balance my needs and wants, I'm too selfish, the wants win
Live, in the now, leaving yesterday's mistakes, and tomorrow's fears
Make peace, with myself, the world, those in it

My body hurts, aches, itches, bleeds, is broken
Self indulgence overwhelms patience and common sense
Resolve fails
Rest is fleeting
I awaken, tired
One foot in front of the other, beaten, bested, left behind
Darkness is solitude
Sleep, lovely forgetfulness
Waking, horrible remorse
Living hard

I can
I'll try to
Go on
Live, be happy, love
Live with pain, and smile, be better for it
Be happy, learn from mistakes, except more to come
Love myself, to love others, to 'give myself permission'